just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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