I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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