I showed him my bush... on skype.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
