she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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