You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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