Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
