Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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