Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
