the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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