I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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