My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
