i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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