I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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