You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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