I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
