The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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