Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
