maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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