im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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