have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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