Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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