I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
