So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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