apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
