Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
