im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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