on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
