I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
