you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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