I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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