He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
