Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
