Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
