He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
