If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
