My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
