You made me cry and you don't even care
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
