i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
