I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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