i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
