Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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