he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
