i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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