i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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