My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
