Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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