Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Sober January is a disaster.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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