its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
