can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
