i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I love you. Go after that dick
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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