You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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