I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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