He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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